The Retired Bulimic: Part 2

Today I am happy to be me.

Today my life is a little less of HUGE ups and downs - just a struggle with anxiety and depression - a sprig of occasional.

Usually catapulted by lack of sleep or a trigger of a behaviour from someone else that I take way too personally - it could be something pretty regular like a car breaking down.

Obsessive Compulsive Thinking at its finest.

Did I do this right? Have I remembered that? What if I don’t get that done?

I FEAR things will fall apart - on a CELLULAR LEVEL - IN MY BODY.

But more often then “things” they just don’t break me apart .

Today - I try and sit with these feelings. It’s a struggle. Eventually, it passes.

Jump back 20 years...

These thoughts come up. I would feel overwhelmed. I would want to hide in a hole that has no bottom.

WHERE WILL I FEEL SOOTHED???!!!

Wherever I would be - whether it was in school or at work or hanging with my family (the latter, rather infrequent). the feelings would CONSUME ME.

I’d find a way to get home. I’d find a way to be private.

I would probably get to the nearest cheapest supermarket and compulsively start buying comfort food - bread, (TOP PRIORITY), BUTTER, ICE CREAM, then sausages, chips...

I was a budget shopper back then!

I’d hold a tight scream deep in my stomach.

With this tension, I’d rush home with the occasional panic. Often time there was a hold up with public transport - fucking city lights.

I wouldn’t breathe until it was time to sleep.

I’d start the ritual. Have a swig of wine or whisky, which would speed up the process of shutting down. Then start eating until I would feel no longer.

Then massive feelings of guilt, shame, disgust, self hate would kick in. Oh no - IVE DONE IT AGAIN.

I’d drag myself to the bathroom and bring back as much of it as possible but the feelings would still be there - feeling lost.

And just a little bit of numbness, which I preferred.

Then, engulfed in hysterical tears, which is the external act I should have probably started my day with, I would fall asleep in exhaustion.

To start the entire cycle the next day.

FEAR was at the root if it all.

Alongside lack of sense of self.

This behavior consumed me and somehow, I’ve grown out of it.

I feel joy so much in the small things. Back then I couldn’t really see or appreciate the little sparkles around me.

I’m Happy to be ME